A couple of days ago, I pulled the rolling chair back from my desk at work, and thought about what I might work on...answered the phone with a cheery, "Hello, Abeona House," chided with a late parent about the challenges of leaving the house without losing your sanity. As I sat down, I felt a lightness. It was so unusual, yet familiar. De ja vu? After a few moments of trying to figure out what it was, I realized that I was feeling happy. As I "humphed" to myself, I recognized the burden I've been carrying, and allowed it to leave me...for a time. It was quite a relief to see that I could have that feeling so genuinely again. I was grateful for that.
I've been thinking about happiness quite a bit in the absence of it. A week ago, I found myself smiling at an enthusiastic father holding his baby above him at the bus stop. I don't think he would've noticed if the bus had come tomorrow. He was engrossed and in love. As I was grinning away, I caught my own reflection in my rear view mirror, and saw that my smile was actually some kind of tight-lipped frown looking thing. "Dear God!" I thought, "I've forgotten how!" This was quite troubling. I've always had a reputation as a smiler...with my 8th graders, with past boyfriends. Kevin and I talk about how we've aged so much in the last couple of years. Katrina, Elliot, work. We're pretty pooped. But this was ridiculous.
Since then, I've been making a conscious effort to smile. With teeth. Especially when running errands, and doing other things that usually make me frown. I'm amazed at it's power to improve my frame of mind.
I'm committed to making happiness less of a foreign feeling these days. And that, I believe, is half the battle.
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2 comments:
I hear ya. although, I think I was trying to be happy...for the sake of my family and friends, and I don't think it worked. Maybe if it were for my sake it would've been different. Things are better for me, but I don't know how or why, because even though things seem to be in the same place all around, we have definitely moved on. Does that make sense?
Love you...coffee or something on Friday?
It makes sense, at least to me. I do believe that believing in your own right to be happy can shape how you feel. I remember wasting so much time when Elliot was first diagnosed by worrying. I missed really being with him...and his was the smile that was so healing to my heart. I am trying that again, now. To let myself feel and cry, but then enjoy my life. Because it has *most* of the components in it for me to be happy. I know that one piece that I definitely need to work on is time for myself. To exercise, laugh, play with grownups (this is my first "me" post on the blog). I really want that for myself. So YES to coffee or something on Friday. That would make me very, how do you say? HAPPY.
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