Taking Pulse

And because I have 200 pictures on my new camera, just waiting for me to learn...the pics will have to wait.

 

Oliver at 18 months~

• parroting our words and actions, trilling his "Rrrrrrs," competing for affection "I love you.  NO  I love you;"
• curly-haired sweetness that's threatening a mullet.
• teething and then some more teething.  You've got a nice, shiny white set of teeth!
• enjoying strawberries and cream so very much, but playing with and destroying nearly everything else.
• down three pounds to an even 30.
• sticking out that bottom lip into a pout.  Gwen says that's something I do.  Now I notice it all the time.
• cell phone chatterbox
• My favorite: when you put a purse on your arm and say, "Bye, bye."
• Least favorite: the tackle at the knees move whenever I'm moving around too much and not picking you up.
• Stand-out features: sweet eyes, chubby cheeks, awesomely juicy but, and bowed legs like your grandpa!

Elliot at 4.5 years~

• Dr. Who, What, When--you what to know WHY for everything, and end each question with a second "Why?" as in, "Why do you need to go to work, Why?
• Nascar racer in training- you ask what kind of car each car is, then try to spell it by finding the name on the car, you read out license numbers, and ask how each car is driven (you know that you use your legs, hands and eyes...our new standard answer).  Your favorite movie, pjs, etc is CARS, and I made the mistake of letting you drive on my lap from the driveway to the front of the house.  I fear the day you find keys while unattended..
• Trying all kinds of gross motor stunts...new favorite is getting on the roof of the toy house...you can't quite make it yourself, but want us to hoist you up there...just like your sister.
• In love with Rescue Heroes, and filled with intrigue for fire fighters, paramedics, and police men!
• Super snuggler with mom.  You're having a hard time sleeping, so we're thick as theives into the night, you and me.
• adversarial for its own sake...If I say, "I'm tired."  You'll argue with me that I am not...and it is this way for almost everything!
• Love your days of the week and year, know your letters (Big and Baby letters), and numbers and want to know what everything says...
• My favorite: when you stroke the hair at the nape of my neck with so much tenderness
• least favorite: flight risk!  You're too fast!  (I know this is a blessing, but it wears me out!!)

Ana at 6.25 years~

• Daydreaming, and getting "in trouble" at school for not working on your letter book.  I really should be more concerned (?) but I"m not;
•  Excited by every factoid you've learned, and frustrated when I already know what you want to reveal...I have to do a better job of playing dumb.  Soon, you'll learn that mom is a generalist...
• Into building fairy houses and drawing princesses in elaborate gowns with great details
• questioning the magical world...are werewolves real??
• saying things like, "Mom, won't it be fun to decorate my apartment when I'm a grownup," and planning all the animals you'll have (since we can't have any with me....)
• Big momma to the little boys
• Crazy about CD lunches.  I'm growing tired of our comparisons.  Who ever knew I'd be competing with "school lunch??"
• Little me.  Loving connections with people, excited about sharing our lives with others, eager to help, stubborn, impatient, hot-headed...the very best and worst connect us.
• favorite: Mr. Wiggles, your front tooth that's been hanging on for 3 months now, is turning blue!  We call it your Tiny Tusk, and you push it out past your lips like a walrus.
• Lease favorite: notes about your distractibility at school.  I don't know whether to lecture you, or agree that the worksheet you spaced out on was boring.

Emmy at 35~

• Every day working towards my happiness and potential.
• Favorite: watching my hard work come together right now is validating.
• Least favorite: Anxiety...need to let go of worry.  SO unproductive.

Kevin at 51 (!)~

• Making big strides to align work and happiness.
• Favorite: Backyard family time
• least favorite: Fear.  I wish you believed in you like I do(-:  Amazing things are coming our way, my love.

Lines we like at night

Shadows are waltzing,
Moonlight is calling

The miracle of your love found me

--from your sleepy Jewel lullaby CD...I'm SO grateful for how much you boys like it.

When you wake, you shall have
All the pretty little horses.

--I just like thinking about my kids waking up to horses.

All by myself I have to go
With none to tell me what to do-
All alone beside the streams
And up the mountainsides of dreams.
--from the Land of Nod (What DO they dream about??? There AWAKE time is SO fantastic!)

The stars around you gleam,
On you I press
With soft caress
A little lovely dream.
++++
My little angels, such small lumps swallowed up in the bigness of the bed and blankets...your sweet long lashes on your rosy chubby cheeks...bits of heaven here on earth.

Catch up

There's too much to say, and I don't know how to chip away at it.
-Ana's started kindergarten. She is reciting poems, infusing French phrasework into everyday stuff, singing new songs ("Camp Town Races"), and working on this whole new approach to phonemic awareness that involves pictures of lips in various positions. And she glows. Each day that I pick her up, she's shining and bubbling over--or completely tired and surly. Both signs of a good day. Her friend is Mason. She's "the cutest thing you'll ever see in your life." And yes, she is--red-headed girl with pink glasses, and looks much smaller than the other kids- You like her because "she's not into Barbie and all that kind of stuff."
-I've done a lesson at her new school, signed up to be room parent, then backed out when I saw other candidates (and the many other ways there are to be involved). There are SO many events there, and we're participating in fits and starts. Feels good, and scary at the same time, to have Ana as part of "The Class of 2022!?"
-Elliot's started his four-year-old program. Lora Jane is his best friend. They sing songs about monkeys and happy and you know it on the Listening rug. Thomas hit him once. Thomas is his best friend(!?). He has chocolate milk everyday. He likes Haz3l Park.
-I've joined the PTO, and gotten the reluctant administrator to write the grant to Kaboom. I've come at the teachers full-on. And backed away when I saw they were just unorganized at the beginning. They care, and El's put them under his spell. And they communicate. And he's shining and bubbling over at pick up. At bedtime, after homework(!), Elliot nuzzles up, and gives me one word answers to the questions we've been told to ask...but he's so happy to talk about it with me. I've sent Lora Jane's family a note--coz there's no real way to meet each other over there. He talks about her every day. Even when there's no school. I've heard she has white blond hair. The picture of them in my head is priceless.
-Oliver loves being at Abeona House, and is just starting to walk around from here to there. He doesn't cry at drop off, but has discovered where I am, I think. He's asleep by 6 pm each night, which makes me kind of sad. There's little time for US to be US anymore. I know this will change as you get used to the routine...
-Kevin and I are managing the routine better than I thought. It's actually helped us to get organized. I'm trying to exercise, and am enjoying the little time I have once Kev brings the kids to school. I want to be a part of everything, and am working on picking and choosing. CD has a consuming social calendar, that I realized quickly I couldn't be a part of completely. I'm happy to meet the other parents, but honestly, want to be in the classroom. With both my kids. Doing little things here and there.
-My brother's 3 month anniversary is this coming Friday. I've reached an odd place (maybe coz I'm so busy) that it doesn't feel like it happened, and I'm mostly numb. Unless I think of a specific moment--or something triggers a painful memory. Sometimes I feel like it never happened. Ana asks me every month or so if I'll always be sad about it. I try to explain to her that it will always make me sad to think about. But I'm not generally sad. She seems confused about how I can be happy and sad all at once.
-Oliver will be a year old very shortly. He's such a jolly love...I can't believe (again) how quickly they grow and change.
-This flu has me scared...for my little ones, and for Elliot who is especially vulnerable.
-I'm looking into schools for Elliot for next year already.
-I'm kicking off a fall fundraising campaign for AH, planning a symposium at UNO while writing 4 grants due around the same time. And organizing the kids' tent thing for the PoBoy Fest. And if this grant comes through, I'm sure to help with this playground at El's school.
-And at the same time, Dad turns 75, Becky gets married in Austin, I turn 35, and Kevin and I celebrate our 7th year of wedded insanity.
-The reason for this litany of stuff TO DO is because one of the things that helps me get through all this stuff is reminding myself that this period is ONLY temporary. But honestly, I don't think I've had much down time. In a long time. How much of this do I create? And shouldn't I be grateful for every last bit of it? I'm just sayin'--somewhere in the To Do I'd love a girls-only weekend at the beach--or at a local spa--or at happy hour.

First Steps

Late August is a time for first steps for our kids...all big steps, all towards greater independence.

Today, Oliver, my 11 month-old hubba bubba, took 2 steps, then three in short succession. Ana, Elliot and I were all there to cheer him on, and he gave his trademark big-mouthed grin, with nose crinkle and eye twinkle. I know that by the end of this week, he'll be walking wherever he wants to. Including up the ramp to Abeona House, where he started this past week. He's adjusting there quite well, but some days are harder than others. And with such a generally cheerful guy, I find myself burying my head to hide the sounds of him crying. When I talk about how difficult it is with him in particular, with his temperament, Gwen shakes her head and laughs, "You were the same with Elliot. In fact, you were worse."

Which brings me to my big 4 year-old boy. This week, Elliot starts a 4 year-old program at Hazel Pa4k. It's a public school that seems to have it's act together. In my search for schools, I was amazed at what people pay for in parochial and private schools: worksheets, teacher-led learning...Jefferson parish schools had some of the very few constructivist, hands-on approaches to learning. With a good mix of teacher-led experiences in a typical classroom, with therapies on-site (that *still* subscribe to the pull-out special ed model that I hate), I know Elliot will get everything he needs. But oh, the trust of that, with my sweet boy. My sweet boy who 3.5 years ago was the reason I took my current job--I just had to be there, close to him, making sure he was getting what he needed...and he got so much more than I ever could have imagined. I can only hope that the loving teachers I met will fall under his spell--he's pretty irresistable. But as he leaves Abeona, he's also leaving his Friends. And Friend is a word that's being used around there quite a bit, as the boys move towards FOUR, they are declaring their unwavering loyalties, threatening each other with the withholding of affections, and squeezing each other with unspeakable intensity of emotion. He will be missed. And he will miss. And I will miss.

And my Ana dear, took a big step into big school--and man, is it BIG--it's a CAMPUS, populated by children as young as 2 and as old as 17. But I am ever-validated in my choice of this program for Ana...coming into her classroom, we were warned by the teacher, "Mind there's a bunny hopping around. Don't let him out!" Are you kidding me? As we entered, I saw the other animals near the windows that led to outside: guinea pig, cockateil cage, fish...as the teacher gave us the brief tour, she lifted the paper that hid the beehive, where bees were harvesting honey--from the side, I could see the acrylic tube that led to the butterfly garden...oh, my naturalist, you are home! Montessori activities were scattered here and there, intriguing any child who walked by...2 chess tables set up...the math center displayed the gears of a beautiful old music box, an old brass kaliedoscope, hour glasses of different lengths/times, colorful liquid elements floating at different temps on a suspended numberline...This made the traditional palatable--the calendar math, the desks for the 1st and 2nd graders who are in the mixed age room that face the board...a perfect blend of approaches--the labor of love of this amazing teacher who obviously has read and applied best practices over many many years...I'm excited about another place, another step where the focus is LOVE of Learning! No grades, good relationships...I just believe in this stuff...Since that bunny twitched his nose our way 5 days ago, you've shared nothing but excitement and intrigue over your new big school...and the more folks I meet, the more I realize that I'm going to be as awkward as I allow myself to be...people are people.

We're all growing up. I'm making friends as are you...you just seem better at it than I am, Ana...maybe a tire swing would help the grown-ups?

My sweet children. Watching you grow is equal parts delight and dread. You are so beautifully perfect in your ways of seeing the world...I hope the world will return the favor.

Moving on

Ana's last day at Abeona was Friday.

*sigh*

Elliot's last day will come at the end of July.

We had a ceremony where kids asked that we not take their sunshine away.

*lump in throat*

That night, we went for sushi, and Elliot discovered Shrimp Tempura, Oliver enjoyed his muse of noodles, and Ana relished her California Rolls. And Kevin and I held hands over hot tea, and came home trying to catch frogs under the crescent moon, and wondered at how quickly our little ones have grown.

Again and again, how many times will we have this feeling? This sad longing at these moments passing by?

New point and shoot

BIG LOVE.

Pink Shades from a Parade

Last Weekend: Stennis Space Center & Bay St. Louis

A bit whipped.

I don't know how long I can keep up this pace I've set for myself-

These days, I'm working 7-2:30 (feeding, pumping, & the rest of it beforehand). I used to sleep until 8 (bless Kevin for making breakfast) so this is a big change.

All in all, I like getting out so early, but with the preschool full of children until our oldest ones go to camp, I'm taking my two home when I leave at 2:30...preparing snack, planning an afternoon of activities--usually including some art experience, some science experience, one walk, backyard, 30 minutes of cartoon during dinner prep, and then, what used to be my only tasks after picking up the kids: cooking, cleaning, bathing, reading, and trying not to go insane while my children take turns needing everything when they are supposed to be sleeping. I am definitely feeling the "second shift" here, like I'm working two jobs. Elliot's energy and attention span are particularly trying...he runs from one thing to the next, and wears me out. I can't leave him in a room unattended unless the TV is on. He will find the one hazard slash danger slash fragile slash important thing to mutilate/spill/put in his mouth/destroy/take apart. And Kev's only home 2 nights a week now, and bedtime has sunken into the lowest pits of hell. All three kids are needing me and getting up and crying and teething and losing teeth and complaining about my parenting and waking up the child that just fell asleep and crying for their daddy when I feel like doing the exact same thing. Did I mention Ol's eating through the night?

And between the kindergarten apps, queries about summer camp, and work-related frustrations, I feel knackered. I was so very ready to throw my hands up on Friday, but tried something breathing, and put things in perspective. Here's what's going to get me to my vacation:

• Hearing - I'm now a part of the CMV community. Often I find it challenging to participate in these forums...our Elliot seems to be higher functioning than many cases (or at least the ones on the forum). The stories and challenges that some face are sobering. And sometimes, I feel them defeating me...with Elliot's tube coming out, I was convinced he was losing hearing in that ear. Hearing screen Thursday revealed that Elliot's hearing in his left ear hasn't changed since he was 6 months old. *whew*. I can't stop whispering to him, and enjoying his wide-eyes as he whispers a response. My focus on creating positive networks (yes, of typically developing children, mostly) has served us well. I'm not opposed to widening our circle, but in general, need other optimistic, realistic, and enjoyable people around me. I have ALWAYS been supported by my friends and family.
• Kindergarten - Ana is seen as a perfect fit at a program that I see as a perfect fit (curriculum-wise). I feel good about my search for a good school for her, and how it helped me "see" my child.
• Camp - I managed to find and afford a wonderful summer for Ana. This was eleventh hour insanity and some groveling, but she'll be with other peers having an amazing summer!
• Vacation... - It's finally coming together, and I feel good for throwing myself into the contest so wholly. I'm looking forward to that break when it comes!

Is it any wunda???(cue David Bowie) that I have found a collection of gray wiley hairs growing? I plucked 4 of them to Ana's fascination on the way to Bay St. Louis yesterday, and yet, there always seemed to be more. Things are just plain nuts right now but there's a lot of good beneath it all...and I've made some good things happen too, maybe at my own expense. But let me tell you people, that cabana boy better invest in a new pair of huarachi's (sp?) and stock up on some paper umbrellas cause mama's gonna have him walking some holes in his shoes with the fruity drinks come May.

Because I could not stop for Mardi Gras...

She kindly stopped for me: Mardi Gras re-enactments this morning...I look like I had a few too many...
King Kevin, reigns over his happy kingdom!

Ana & Elliot bombard us with throws!

Workin' on that aim, lil' mama! Ana is starting to feel better.

Maybe we'll make it to Fat Tuesday for real!

My funny valentines

Ana's favorite valentine gift: The YOYO ball
Emmy & Kevin's favorite valentine: Elliot playing a love song WITH LEFTY!!

Tita's favorite valentine: time with Oliver

Love the 4 month tummy poses!

xoxoxo to you all!

Comedy Night

Elliot:

Knock Knock

Who's there? (No interaction. He says all this himself)

Chicken butt!

(Peals of laughter)

Ana: Knock Knock (she prompts with her eyebrows)

Me: Who's there?

Ana: Handlebars.

(she waits. a smile pulls up from the corners of her mouth. Peals of laughter!)

Are your sides splitting too?

Ana is 5 and Oliver is three months old

And these pictures speak of you both:

Ana- my poet. and apparently, makeover queen to the stars! (or at least to compliant baby brothers). You are my sweet dove.

Oliver, my Olive. Your big smile breaks my heart into a million laughs.

Update

• My daughter turned 5 last week. That, in and of itself is worthy of several blogs. She is initiating her childhood, the next big developmental phase of her life. It's been hard to wrap my head around...
  
• Back to work, and everything is going great! I'm adjusting better than I thought, and Oliver is in good hands with Tia Haydee and Kevin.
  
• Completed financial aid application for dream school for Ana. Letting go of idea that the school we choose will be right for both of them.

• Although...this from the place I tour tonight:

Students requiring exceptional accomodations, for example, but not limited to: elevators, wheelchair access to classroom and restroom facilities, occupational and / or physical therapy, adaptive physical education, etc., will be accepted for admission by the administration after consultation with the Archdiocese of New Orleans and the Local Educational Authority, herinafter referred to as the LEA.

With gifted classes, it might be a place for both kids. (Ana gets tested by a private tester for dream school and giftedness in January. My daughter has no interest in spatial learning, but is a creative genius---ok, I'm biased...but wondering if these tests pick up on children who make innovative connections and are inventive, outside-of-the-box thinkers).

• And struggling...is a dream school really a dream school if children are all above average, and there is little diversity? Who knew finding a KINDERGARTEN would be such a big deal?
  

Highs and Lows of Gustav

The Low-lights

• Nutty family member who refused to evacuate kept calling every 20 minutes to describe his struggle sans air. My parents never turned off the phone.
• Watching my feet swell to the size of footballs on our late-night evac to Navarre Beach
• Pregnant-Palin-Palooza on CNN
• Clogged milk ducts *&$#(@ on the day of our departure. Who needs this shit when you're pregnant??? Who know it could happen with colostrum?
• Oh, maybe wondering if I'll have a home in the morning, if we'll have a new baby on a single income, if our baby layette will be a murky mess, if my hometown will be washed away. That might be a low-light.

The High-lights

• The kindness of strangers. Mr. Georgiou's generosity was a physical presence during the whole event
• Jacuzzi tubs!
• Time at the beach with my family always feels like a blessing
• Watching Ana truly swim for the first time--the width of the pool, underwater, with googles within one day
• Diving 4 feet for dive toys the next! She's got her daddy's swim genes.
• Us-90 as an evacuation route (no traffic! yay!). It still took us 7 hours for a 4 hour drive.
• Elliot spending time with his grandparents. He's got some deep love for those folks, and they really need it.
• Clams--our favorite find at the seashore
• Tita's baleadas at the beach in the morning
• Assistant Director handling all the post-storm staffing stuff!

Back to work Monday. Two weeks to Weino (I think).

Dragging

We're really dragging our feet coming home. I have no desire to get back, actually.
I know that we have power. Our neighbor called to say that he picked up a couple of branches in our yard, and they have already been picked up. But the thought of having a shell of the city slightly operational, the trek in that I am perceiving to be a nightmare, impending baby and these other two storms swirling around the atlantic just make me sick.

I don't really know how this experience will affect our family. The anxiety of losing it all is not something I want to experience seasonally. Even every three years.

I'm curious- have others out there reignited their discussions about leaving?

We'll be home by tomorrow evening, I'm imagining. We'll be there for a while. But I'm wondering if I'll be able to shake my doubts this time around.

Domestic Diaries

My housekeeping leaves much to be desired. So don't get any ideas from this entry.

For months I've considered trying some natural (read: made from household items) cleansers. Today was the day, and I'm sorry we waited so long.

I attacked the bathroom with a simple baking soda & dishwashing liquid paste I'd read about somewhere (Real Simple?). All it took was being spotted by the Dynamic Duo with a frothy toothbrush to the wall, and the kids took over.

It was like a scene from Oliver, or some other musical set in an orphanage...they were all over it.

Ana took to calling the mixture wiping butter. And explaining to Elliot all of the appropriate ways of applying this.

In a matter of minutes, I was able to tackle the dirty dishes. I've never been able to clean the bathroom with kids around, let alone with them. Yay, for baking soda! I actually had to give them a stopping time limit, to the pleas of Please, Mama? Just 5 more minutes? (Insert sarcastic chuckle here).

And best part: were they ever proud of our sparkling, gleaming porcelain and chrome tub and sink.

Maybe this will unleash some new family habits. But frankly, I doubt it.

27 week update

Another month gone by. Today we started scheduling the "every two weeks' visits," and discussing when my scheduled section would be. It's sneaking up on me!

I'm averaging 1 lb per month. Weino is kicking up a storm; it can really throw me of. But honestly, it's a welcome distraction, thinking of the little one moving about in there while I go about my mundane tasks.

I passed the dreaded glucose screen, after one botched test, one false positive, and one 3 hour blood draw. A great time to catch up on my reading, which I miraculously have time for this pregnancy.

The kids' behavior (today) might be a sign of things to come. Elliot pinching, and purposefully disregarding direction, something we've seen (quite happily) at home. Ana hitting and pulling hair, having fits left and right, and needing lots of extra TLC. It could just be an off day, or quite possibly, fear of the changes to come.

I told Ana while in the tub of my "baby doctor" visit, and she looked me in the eye, then went on to making her triceratops float. No comment. So unlike my little girl.

Coco no more

We were all set to assume care for a beautiful dark brown dwarf rabbit.

I've been hesitant to take anything else on, but one look into those deep brown eyes, and I was a sucker.

Easy care for these creatures. They stay outside most of the time in a cage (provided), eat fresh veg or rabbit food, and require a cage change once a month or longer (poop drops to "poop deck").

I walked over to our neighbors to give it a trial run, yesterday during the torrential rain pour. I'd arrived home, to find an unlocked door, and my family missing. Where could they be? The car was in the drive, radio on, no family. I decided to take Coco for a walk, couldn't resist having it next to my cheek, actually. And found the clan at the end of the block where the street had mildly flooded playing barefoot in an enormous puddle! Laughing and soaked to the bone, they did a double take when they looked in my arms.

Ana's first words: Is that a real penguin?

Kevin and I laughed. She'd mistaken the tiny ears for a beak (and was seeing the animal's head as if backwards).

After throwing the kids in warm bubble baths, the kids had their turn. They loved the bunny, although I was somewhat fearful of my rough and tumble boy. El's much more of a hyper puppy pet owner than a trembling bunny kind of guy. Ana just sat and stroked, talking in a sweet voice to the thing, as I felt my eyes begin to swell shut and my breathing become contricted. Yes, those damn allergies (dust mites, dander et al) were raging suddenly. And while we haven't broken the news to Ana, she could read the writing on the wall.

I know this pet can't be ours. Our neighbor was giving it away because he wanted folks to give time to the animal, something he'd hoped our kids could do.

So if you think you might have the heart, and the immunity to take care of this realitively easy pet, please let me know.

Paradise, at last

It so helps when you are beyond exhaustion and go on vacation. I'm so thoroughly immersed this year, and right into the swing of things. What I'm loving:

• Nighlty crabbing by flashlight with my daring darling. She showed up 2 pre-teens, picking up their sand crabs by paper plate. Who needs a plate, when you have speed and a sense of adventure?
• Daily clamming by the shore, sitting for hours with a swimsuit bottom heavy with sand, watching the diversity and plentitude of colorful clams washed ashore, digging voraciously before being captured and put in our buckets of sand and water. We've learned quite a bit about clam-atomy, and have 3 new shell field guides to help our explorations.
• "I swim." It's a good thing that we have Elliot's football-style suit that allows him to independently move about the pool. He won't let ANYONE hold him while in the pool, and insists that "I swim" sans help.
• Stolen moments with mom and dad and Aunt Gigi. For each of us.
• Virgin Pina Colada's and O'Douls Amber. I've never been so drunk with happiness(-;
• Baby bump in the sand...burying a hole, and lying on my "stomach" with no pressure on baby. Should I say, Baby boy?
• Playing with names for baby
• Pineapple Salsa after hours in the pool
• Not rushing anywhere, or having anything to distract me from time with my children. A perfect mother's day.
• Hands to help.

As far as I'm concerned, there is no better family vacation with little ones than a week at the beach. They are completely content, there's minimal schleping, nap time has never been easier, and there's no attraction to see, other than the light in a child's eyes when they see a fish, discover something about the ocean, or snuggle in your lap under a beach towel. I'm in love with my family, and grateful for this time. It feels like such a luxury.