So much for svelte

At my ob visit yesterday, I learned I'd gained 6 pounds in the last two weeks, earning an audible gasp from my nurse friend who always chides with me about my 1 lb slides up and down the scale. I told her I didn't need the sound effects.


For some reason, I've taken on the appearance of a blow fish lately. My feet boneless inflatable water toys, my fingers juicy sausages, with rings being stretched beyond what their alchemy allows.

Today is my last week at work. I had imagined (insanely?) getting lots done in the days before baby, but am now thinking I'll have my legs propped on an exercise ball, and get reacquainted with what my foot bones and ankles look like.

In the meantime, please avoid approaching me with sharp objects. It could be disastrous.

From last night's dream

• David Letterman in a white terrycloth robe in my bed
• Havarti cheese
• breasts
• WWII aviator planes
• Old Chevy Novas (one of my first cars. There were 3 of them with different drivers in this dream)
• My teeth falling out (at least 14 of them, in a wide range of sizes, some looking like they came from a much larger, more carniverous mammal than me)
• various employees, friends, and former classmates who will likely never all be in the same place
• Long Island Iced Tea
• video games

Dear Baby

I'm so ready for you to join our family. From your avid kicking, it seems like you'll fit right in with the clan. Right now, you're keeping me up at night...it only follows that you should be here for us to snuggle and hold and watch and comfort.

Ana is counting down the days until you arrive. She's spending extra time with her toy dolls, and with the real babies at school. She's very tender and uses a sweet little voice when talking with the babies. She asks me about once a week "What do you think O will look like?" It's funny to me that when I asked her the same question, she referenced her friend's little brother (Jonathan R.)--a truly golden child, fair of face and hair, wild curls, tremendously cute. A darling peach of a boy, but with genes that couldn't be further from ours on the spectrum! We had an interesting talk about genetics. I wondering what her ideas of you now include.

Elliot is making the transition to leaving his/your crib for the big bed. When asked "Who will sleep in the crib?" He now says your name. He loves to come up to my belly and hug, and yes, pounce. Being gentle and curbing that physical affection is something we'll have to keep at bay for a while. We are so curious about how your big brother will respond to you. This isn't really real for him yet, and he shows no interest in playing Big Bro/Papa. I know that when you can smile and move around, he's going to be your number one playmate, though.

And your daddy, well, he's been more excited about you coming than I could've imagined. I think now he knows fully well how much fun you little people can be, and he's really excited to meet you. He talks about what things he wants in place for you, what projects he needs to finish for you, etc.

Where can he put all that energy until you come? In his favorite place: your closet. The man has assembled a wardrobe for you worthy of a Bravo! show. I've never seen so many 0-3 jackets in my life! Tweed ones, houndstooth, chambray plaid numbers. Of course, he gets them all at bargain basement prices, but there are just SO many(-; I love looking at them, imagining you wearing them, because the truth is, you're probably going to live in onesies for your first months of life. We'd have to change our whole social life to accommodate that fabulous wardrobe!

Who are you, little guy? I can't wait to meet you. I'll see you soon.

I'm pissed

We don't know if/when we're going anywhere.
We're not in the hospital's power grid (that's the next block over).

Our laughable "plan..." we have no timetable and have made no preparations and my husband has work this evening (don't even get me started). We may go to Prarieville, LA which sounds like the kind of place where lots of trees fall down in a hurricane. It's right outside Gonzales. A friend has offered us their other hotel room in Laurel, MS. Some people actually book multiple rooms in advance of the storm. Imagine that. Didn't we do this once before? Why do I feel caught unaware?

My doctor sent me from my Thursday visit with a copy of my chart. I guess that's a green flag to go somewhere else and have a baby.

Is it not hard enough just to bring a new little person into the world, and our lives?
Sometimes I wonder why things have to be so extra hard around here, and it just has me pissed.

I'm off to hear the latest...like I haven't listened to the news all day yesterday.

Decisions

For the last few days, I've been feeling contractions, the baby's head grinding down, and pain when I stand or walk around. I know it's all typical, but coupled with the recent accounts of pre-40wk births and my mountain of pre-leave responsibilities at work, I'm generally a bit anxious.

Which makes reports of a hurricane looming even more threatening. From this graphic, you can see that we're not only in the cone, but at the end of the projected path, like a fuse being lit to it's inevitable watery bomb. The Roadrunner and Coyote come to mind, with their ongoing feud with ACME products as the weapon of choice. But I know too well...it's no joke. No matter where this sucker makes landfall.

In my head, I'm thinking of Katrina, 3 years ago Friday, when we evacuated with Ana and Elliot, only 3 weeks old. And here I am now, 3 years later, with a baby shortly on the way...and faced with evacuation. Grid-lock labor, and the thought of it, is enough to make me want to move forever.

One friend and fellow blogger evacuated 2 days before her daughter was born, driving home and going into labor (forgive any inaccuracies, CR). I may not have the timeline or details completely right, but her stressful feelings surrounding the context around the baby's arrival have stuck with me. Less than ideal is an understatement. She advises that we stay.

Almost everyone else advises the opposite, with tips on reducing our travel time, secret places to stay, the danger of not having medical care (what IF the hospital 2 blks away shuts it's doors? what if there's no potable water, or the river levees are toppled, or x, y, z).

We have never prepared for a hurricane, beyond packing our bags.

I don't know if I have it in me. The staying or the going.

I have an OB appt. tomorrow, and will talk with her about where I am in this pregnancy, and what options I should consider as viable. Until then, I remain harried and cranky as all hell.

Wake Up Call

Two friends have told me lately that they had their babies at 37 weeks!

It really freaked me out. I have so much to tell my replacement at work, haven't bought new maternity bras or new pjs with buttons down the front, no suitcase packed (literally or figuratively), the camera has gone missing, you name it!

So- you guessed it! I'm trying to get those things done now.

Downshifting

After my anemia scare, and some serious self-analysis, Kevin and I made the painful decision to spend a few days at the beach(-; We joined our gracious hosts, Paul, Holly & the crew, and brought our own two beach bums to Fort Walton Beach, FL and it was worth every gas station-bathroom run along the way.

Automatic playmates for the kids, great company for us grown-ups, luxurious accomodations at the Waterscape (SUPER amenities for children, esp.), impeccable weather=paradise!

By the way, has anyone ever seen a sea slug? Holding and playing with one in the bluegreen gulf waters was definitely a highlight for me.

And just as relaxing: returning to work with things running smoothly, and the assistant director relishing her role as my replacement. I really feel like I can go have a baby now.

Tomorrow, baby O is 36 weeks! It feels like it's happening so fast all of a sudden. But believe me, I'm ready.

35 week update

Things are looking good.
I'm feeling much better.

My uterus is 35 cm...back on target.
I lost a pound, not surprising with how I was feeling last week.

There's a lot of baby on my ribs...Dr. R. thinks he may be 8 lbs! I don't know why I associate this with health, but I do. Elliot was such a little guy (and yeah, he's got a helluvalotta personality packed in that little frame) that I've been worried with my non-existent weight gain, that maybe something is wrong. Truth is, baby may still have health issues, or missing parts, or mysteriously named congenital defects, and be 8 lbs. I know this. But for whatever reason, I like her prediction, and I'll love this baby. If anything, we know so well that children with special needs are just children, and they need what we all do...I guess it's just my time to think about that.

Guess What? I'm PREGNANT!

Not news to you?

Apparently, it's news to me.

Thanks to several friends and family members, I'm starting to recognize this bit,
and slowing down. Apparently, it took me 9 months to figure this out.

Feeling better.
Taking iron supplements.
Eating and Drinking lots of liquids.

Taking it slow.

Anemia? Update?

My doctor doesn't think I have anemia.
My recent blood tests for gestational diabetes would have shown this, she says.

She thinks I have a virus.
I think I'd rather have anemia than a virus. Being sick (getting fever) and pregnant
scares the shit out of me.

Does anyone have the experience of having anemia undetected by the OB?

I'm home, and feel weak and worn.

Food Aversion returns?

For the past three days, I've eaten only toast, ice cream, or cereal. The thought of anything else makes me sick.

I feel weak and tired, and sometimes dizzy.

Today, I woke up from a mid-day nap ready to eat. Picked up a salad: Bibb lettuce, grilled shrimp, avocado, black olives, hard-boiled eggs, cilantro dressing. Sounds lovely, eh?

I ate two bites.

What is this? I'm worried about baby, and need the energy.

Any moms out there ever been on iron supplements? A friend mentioned she had her OB put her on them after being completely depleted of energy 3rd trimester. I'm wondering if they will really jive with my binder-free, vegan pre-natals that are so easy on my body.

Getting close

First off, congrats to Chrissie, Cade, and Sydney on the newest addition, baby Evan, born yesterday evening! I can't wait to see the baby.

It's hard for me to believe that I still have 6 weeks to go. My level of physical fatigue, mental exhaustion, and general hunger are surprising to me, and I feel like I can better understand Chrissie's eye-rolling frustration at her continued state as the month wore on. I'm tired, and not feeling glowy, or radiant. Just bulky, clumsy and pooped.

Monkey Brain

If my friend describes Monkey Brain as having chatter streaming nonstop like ticker tape through one's mind, I have to wonder what to term my addled emotional state these days.

This week is tricky for me.

• Each morning, I start by reading the Times Picayune 8 part series on the murder of my former student, Lance Zarders. Details of his death, his parents' pain, and bits about his life and dreams mean soggy cereal. I'm still quite angry, but mostly just very very sad. Lance had so much to offer. How do his parents cope?
• Elliot turns three on Saturday. I'm terrible at my kids' birthdays. Each passing year makes me long to turn back the clock, and do it all again. But even harder this year, even more difficult with this birthday, is the fact that Elliot will age out of Early Steps...the program that has his therapists and support team in his school, or at home, and in constant dialogue about what he's doing, how he's growing, what he needs to continue. I have been dreading the day El would age out since we first began his therapies at age 6 months. Now, not only are the training wheels off for us, as parents, but what do we do now? How do we meet his needs and find program(s) that meet his needs, and ensure that what he's been doing is meeting his needs, and still give him a childhood that's not defined by a series of weekly appointments? The anxiety of What Now? had me crying in the arms of his preschool teachers today, as I wondered aloud what the best choice might be, if we could be the best choice. They couldn't have handled it any better: Just tell us what he needs, tell us what to do. We can do it. We want to do it. We love Elliot. Now how do I say goodbye to his therapists, who are honestly like angels to us, who have shaped our parenting, our dreams for our child, our belief in his potential, our hope... I don't know. I've needed them as much as he has.
• This week has begun my work to prepare my little school for life without me as I go have this baby, and spend his first months at home. This week, before Professional Development Week, I'm in hyper-OCD mode. Well, my work-related fears seem silly after all my Elliot fears, but the truth is I'm trying to address every possible scenario that I need to anticipate someone else handling. Yes, I have another 6 weeks. That's both comforting and scary. My work is like my third (soon fourth) child. A child I want to be sure thrives and grows in the next year.
• Stressed-out, physically weary, emotional mom + one sweet girl, anxious herself because of mom's changes, and upcoming baby + one defiant boy, whose (ploys for attention with new baby?) newest tricks all include doing the exact opposite of what stressed out mom says + doting husband whose always working when I'm not = short fuse.
• A back that goes out, a hip that's sometimes numb, a GI system that's frequently emitting acid into my mouth, a belly that keeps moving most of the day, and feet that are (egad!) beginning to swell like rosy mangoes...

Bright spot today: getting a hair cut (complete with the temple and head massage) that always makes me feel good. I definitely need to carve in ME time over the next weeks. I'm afraid of who I'll be if I don't.

30 week update

We're down to our last 10 weeks!

Visits are every 2 weeks now, and still fairly standard: urine, weight, blood pressure, heartbeat, measuring of uterus.

Yesterday's visit:
Lost one pound--I still don't get it. I feel like I'm eating all the time, and am so physically uncomfortable. I love the look of the "ready-to-pop" pregnant lady, and that's just never been me. I want to be sure baby in there has what he needs. Hopefully, he's taking it all from me! The doctor thinks is great; it's not like I didn't have pounds to spare! Currently, I way 5 pounds less than I did on my first pre-natal visit. And nothing anyone says is of comfort. In fact, I hate hearing You don't even look pregnant. No, lady, I'm just fat. Does any pregnant woman appreciate comments about her appearance? Regardless of what it is? I would hate it if someone said, You look ready to pop. Just tell me I look great, and move on already.

(*Read previous post about being grumpy.)

Blood Pressure is 120/75. Pretty standard for me. I was waiting to hear, though, because lately I've had some very strange heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and chest tightening. I know that my body is pumping more blood, but it feels mighty scary to have that change when I'm sitting, inactively, typing. Again, the doctor is not worried, and it hasn't happened in the last week, so I'm grateful.

Baby's heart rate is 148 beats per minute...slowing down, as he gets bigger. I love that sound. It reminds me of a little girl skipping rope on the pavement. I'm glad that he's kicking so much, and we're not holding our breath at visits any more!

Measurement of uterus: 31.5 cm (an extra 1.5 cm, according to my due date). I'm always amazed by this week-to-cm correspondence, and it's never been off. Is my due date sooner? For me this just validates my feeling of enormity and discomfort. Yes, that baby is REALLY in there, and my stomach is on it's side, giving me heartburn with every snack, and my lungs are trying to figure out a way to still function.

And we now know when Weino will be here. His birthday is Thursday, September 18. I have a scheduled section at 7 am...9 weeks from now. I can't wait to meet the little guy.

How 3 is different (so far)

• This isn't big news to most, having another baby. Not like others we know having their first baby. I understand it, and don't envy it...I'm excited, too, by how their lives will change. But honestly wonder on a regular basis, as I get closer, how different my care might be in the hospital. When people hear that I'm having my third, not first, it's either boring, or scary to them. Like we're just used to "popping out babies" that possess my body every other year or so. Will this all be old-hat to the nursing staff at Tuoro?
• We know who we are as parents. We're less anxious about how we'll respond to the challenges of parenting. I remember the feeling of having to have things just so with Ana, that these things (the birth plan and experience, an unyielding dedication to breastfeeding, my intense belief in attachment parenting, our perfect unisex layette) we're critical in my identity as a mom. And Kevin, he didn't know what to do with himself...that is, until he held that little baby for the first time. I know myself as a Mom now, even though I continually stumble through my children's changes and challenges in development. Trusting the love that's there has helped me believe in my own intuition. And Kevin, well, Kevin who's always struggled with what do I want to do with my life...anyone whose seen him with his kids knows that being a dad is his calling.
• We know who we are as a family. We're a well-defined unit. Of course, little Weino is going to change our family in wonderful ways we can't yet imagine, but he's coming into a clan!
• For our friends with kids, we've become a visual reminder to "snip the boys." We know of two couples who've advanced "the cause."
• "Baby shower" talk is out in the open with Tita (my mama). No elaborate plans crafted behind my back, or my feigning surprise. For this, I am TRULY grateful! And of course, there is the question of "should we even have a shower for you?" which I completely understand, seeing as how my family and friends must surely feel they've subsidized our parenting enough already.
• Being a stay-at-home mom seems like an option. I doubt I'll take it, but I honestly never considered it.
• I'm f-ing grumpy right about now for a margarita with salt, a salad with goat's cheese, and some sashimi. And while I imagine most moms-times-three relax the rules a bit, I'm still cautious, not wanting to take that healthy babe for granted. I have to say that I have been far less than gracious about the whole process.
• We want a mini-van. Just typing that actually scares me. I've always hated the sight of them. Now, I salivate watching them pull up to the center, with their automatic doors, and room for 6 comfortably. How in the hell are we going to transport our whole family with our current vehicles, I have no idea? But I am imagine WWIII breaking out with each trip to the grocery. And where in the hell will I actually put the groceries, with three kids to tote? These kinds of logistics are puzzling, and not made any easier by harried, snapping moms at the Wal-mart, pulling children on leashes, or calling after their disappearing children on the intercom. If you haven't started praying for us yet, please start. With something intense. Like a novena.

Bah!

I'm grumpy, confused, tired, and uncomfortable.

I can't even lie well about how I'm doin these days.

That's why I LOVED this blog post so much today.

27 week update

Another month gone by. Today we started scheduling the "every two weeks' visits," and discussing when my scheduled section would be. It's sneaking up on me!

I'm averaging 1 lb per month. Weino is kicking up a storm; it can really throw me of. But honestly, it's a welcome distraction, thinking of the little one moving about in there while I go about my mundane tasks.

I passed the dreaded glucose screen, after one botched test, one false positive, and one 3 hour blood draw. A great time to catch up on my reading, which I miraculously have time for this pregnancy.

The kids' behavior (today) might be a sign of things to come. Elliot pinching, and purposefully disregarding direction, something we've seen (quite happily) at home. Ana hitting and pulling hair, having fits left and right, and needing lots of extra TLC. It could just be an off day, or quite possibly, fear of the changes to come.

I told Ana while in the tub of my "baby doctor" visit, and she looked me in the eye, then went on to making her triceratops float. No comment. So unlike my little girl.

Water Works

They can strike at any time--while driving, holding a child, sitting and reading...seemingly without provocation. Can I blame my recent cry-fests on hormones? A highly emotional state in general? I don't know, but I can't say that I mind my tears terribly. They usually come after some time reflecting on my life, the lives of others, their impact on me, etc. Some recent examples:

• After reading a Leonard Pitts op-ed about his 17 year-old daughter graduating from high school; I didn't think it particularly well-written, nor did I even know half of the songs he alluded to in the "soundtrack" of this time in his life, but I couldn't help think of my own little girl, how quickly she's growing, our tender moments each day, and how utterly beautiful she is to me.
• Saying goodbye to 4 and 5 year-olds going to camp, kindergarten and beyond. Ok, ok, anyone who knows me is aware that I've cried through every promotion of any child I've ever taught in the last 10 years, but add to that 10 other little ones singing "You are my Sunshine" and having to speak publicly (ie, reading a little certificate), then you can just imagine the blubbering.
• Thinking of Elliot and how hard his journey seemed to me, how much he's grown, how many people love him, and how inspired I feel by him. His life has made me such a better person, and I'm blessed to share in his life, and wake up to his smile every day.
• A friend who struggles so much right now. I think of her often and tears come. I think of her words of comfort to me, when I was struggling with CT scans and mysterious, scary-sounding diagnoses, and how I didn't believe her when she said it would get easier, that in a year, we'd be ok. She was so right, but her words to me felt dismissive, made me angry. I wish I could ease her pain.
• The realization that I will one day lose my mother. She's healthy and well, now. But lately, feeling surrounded by life and death, thinking of not having her around, and how hollow I will feel is real to me for some reason right now. Each time she calls me, I feel extra connected, and extra happy that she is right there. I think of a friend whose lost her mom recently, of how real her pain is, of how she struggles each day. I'm afraid of a pain so deep.
  
• Bringing Ana to camp just for a week. Leaving her with folks I don't know at all, who were rather nonchalant made me feel like a hover parent. Picking her up became the joy of my day. For a week. What will I do when she goes to kindergarten???
  
• Our lives. Yes, all of it just made me cry. On the way back from vacation, between snorts, and sniffles, I told Kevin that I'm very happy. That he makes me happy. That he's a wonderful husband, friend, lover, father. That while I feel like we are always struggling, we have so very much to be thankful for. And I just cried and cried. And he was probably incredibly grateful to be driving, and having to watch the road as his hormonal wife turned three shades of beet, sobbing on I-10 on the way home from the beach.
  

I'm sure to the emotionally reserved this sounds nuts. But honestly, taking some time to think about it all has been so good for me. It's good to be alive, to feel, to have love.

Another Son!

As soon as the gel was applied and the mechanism was on my abdomen, we saw our son's "area" flashing prominently between two glowing white thighs! All this before the doctor could even ask if we wanted the baby's gender revealed. I'm not usually good at ultrasound interpretation, but this was so gloriously obvious!

And yes, all is well with mama too. No pre-term labor, no dilation. Whew!

Despite pining over little girls' dresses of late, the news of another son, developing well and healthy is wonderful news, and I've spent the morning smiling to myself, knowing just a little bit more about this mysterious little person I'll share my life with.

I'm grateful for the gift of this baby, of knowing a mother's love.

Fear Factor

I wore myself a little thin yesterday, and last night, during post-coital cuddling, found myself experiencing what I could only describe as labor pains: intense cramping at regular intervals, disappating then dramatically knocking me out again.

After a midnight 'neath the bed search for Sears' Pregnancy Book, we resorted to an online search, and most of what was out there suggested pre-term labor, and calling the doctor with cramps lasting longer than an hour. So I did my best to drift off to sleep, but the physical pain, and the emotional fear of losing this baby kept me awake and frightened.

Somewhere in there I managed to sleep.

Later today, when on my way to a meeting, I felt another kind of wierd pain. This after my ob informed me to relax. That it was probably nothing. And that I could ask Dr. Maupin to check on my cervix at the 20wk ultrasound on Wednesday.

I walked to this meeting in near tears. How could I talk about other things? Things that are supposed to be important, but at this point felt meaningless compared to these odd signals implying my baby's health and well-being? A quick call to Kevin helped, then the relief that my friend (and a social worker) showed up first for the meeting. For whatever reason, anything I hold close and private, I share so easily with her. It was reasuring, and I found myself less anxious.

Later when the ob called back and I explained the second set of feelings (vaginal clenching?) she suggested I get off my feet, and try to relax for the next day or so, until Dr. Maupin could give me some diagnostic info. That with this 3rd pregnancy, the likelihood of pre-term labor is minimal. That I probably just wore myself out.

So I wait. I've been looking forward to this ultrasound to determine baby's sex, and it was so comforting for me to be able to anticipate what mom's of typical children expect to hear and see. I'd honestly left behind many of my What Ifs. But they are back now. What's happening to my body? Am I just that much more in tune and sensitive? A friend has told me: I've heard this can happen after sex. Does anyone have a source or experience?

And how do I do the ludicrous: Just relax. For me, in the face of so many possibilities, how can I?