What's happening?

Follow up with Dr. Ellis yesterday.

Elliot's esotropia (a form of strabismus) has worsened since last week's visit. This tendency of one eye to act independently, causing his brain to discount the input from the wandering eye rendering it useless over time has been an issue for a few years...we tried glasses, then surgery (for that issue as well as another), and it seems that something has changed.

We've noticed increased wandering in the eye over the last month.

It's this recent change over a short period as observed by his opthamologist that has me wondering-
1. Is this related to the Hep A vax Elliot had for the Honduras trip? Other CMV moms have reported changes in their children's health post-vax (seizures). This has never been our experience. Nor do most children get Hep A vax, it's a precautionary measure for the trip.

2. Is this related to a flare up of the CMV? Elliot slept terribly last night, threw up his sushi after dinner, and is not at his best right now. Is the same reactivation of CMV that is causing the vomiting also causing other parts of his body to react differently? Is it possible that this change in his eye sight is a temporary weakness (like the one we've always noticed when he's tired)?

And so, we're back to getting glasses. Elliot is at risk for losing his eyesight, which I think was always the case. But I'm feeling angry, and tired about this right now. And quite guilty.

Should I have researched Hep A/vax in greater detail with the CMV community and made a different choice? I feel the burden of being the family researcher, and I'm not very consistent about it. Kevin will never do this kind of thing, something that I both love and hate. Last night, struggling with my feelings, I thought, Might it be my fault that Elliot loses his eyes? Fuck. I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility, and like most of this, we'll never know what's causing the change in his eyes, so I'll add this to my guilt cocktail.

Journal for El

2/22/09
dinner- veggie tacos (brocolli, cauliflower, fresh mushrooms, tomatoes, olive oil, cheese blend, sour cream, salsa on a flour tortilla); 3 oz. skim and some pomegranate blueberry juice

threw up-1 hour post-dinner

at bedtime- lots of sneezing and mucus

other- activity and attention level strong; lots of finger-mouthing.

2/23/09
am diaper- loose stools

lunch-zatarain's jambalaya with turkey sausage, green salad w/ poppy seed dressing (tomatoes, brocolli, romaine, mandarin oranges); water.

reaction- while eating, rash around the mouth

behavior pre-lunch: active, happy
behavior post-lunch: tired (late lunch), defiant, cranky for the rest of the day ;

dinner-not very hungry. ate wheat bread and some pulled pork.

reaction- rash around face throughout the evening. unsure if it's related to food.

other-lots of finger mouthing & object mouthing; lots of mucus (appears to be getting a cold, or having an allergic reaction to food); wet breathing at bed-time.