God

That force you feel in your chest,
that compels you to help another,
that pulls at you to seek outside of yourself,
that will relieve the worries that pile into mountains,
Fighting against our tendency to live strictly indulging ourselves,
ignoring the world of pain, sadness, injustice, need...

God, like gravity pulling me forward,
This force, this love, compelling my actions and fulfilling itself,
as love fulfills itself, through a million actions great and small.

What else could this be called? I believe in God because I believe in this force, in you and in me. We are God.

Back from Vacation

We just returned from a week in Orange Beach, Alabama, or as Ana calls it: Chicago. We were so primed for a vacation that we did a poor job of teaching geography this trip. Now, any place with a pool is Chicago.


My mind is such a swirl of post-vacation resolutions and past missed postings that I just thought about forgetting the blog. Too much pressure. But then I always have to remind myself that this thing is for me. So often I filter out what I really think or really feel because it might fall into the wrong ears. But to hell with that.


Before we left for vacation, we had an impromptu party for Elliot. Friends, family, it was just right. Esp. with my friend Erin supplying some finger foods, and all the paper products (I really think this could be a service for kids parties. Is that called catering?). Elliot had a blast splashing in the wading pools, and despite our rocket pinatas' poor performance, the kids managed to entertain themselves. We had plans for a beach party with our families (which we did end up having) but I couldn't resist throwing Elliot a bash with his little pals from the neighborhood, and old friends from forever.


Once in the condo, I struggled for a short while with the usual work anxieties. It was so hard just to get to go on vacation...so much planning, foresight. But by day two, I was adapting to the routine of waking up late, going to the pool, eating breakfast, going to the beach, taking a nap, eating lunch, you get the picture. Having many hands to love, and play, and feed the kids was a real treat too. I'm all about the low-key vacation now. Although my beach book that I picked up at a supermarket has me in the throes of a spiritual quandry. I am struggling in a way that I haven't in a long time.

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert is the memoir of a 30-something woman who travels for a year after personal upheaval and crisis...to Italy in search of pleasure, India in search of her soul, Indonesia for love. I'm still in the middle of it. Funny how I breezed through Italy with her detailed descriptions of divine delicacies in front of fountains I recall with a great fondness and longing. It's a good thing this part of the book is first. I don't think I would've suffered through the spiritual crisis (in India) had I not become invested in the author in Italy. Now that "I'm in India," I'm struggling (as is she) with the crisis of learning to calm the anger and fear that exists inside her...and getting in touch with her (divine) self. So much of her struggle with a divine connection mirrors my own: It seems so noisy when I try to pray. I've never had a moment of real connection, I think, where I feel like I can transcend and commune. My spiritual beliefs about service to others being service to God guide me (I hope) daily, but I don't have an ongoing relationship with God. I don't seek God out. I certainly don't ask for things. I mostly say thank you. On Thanksgiving. Or at sunsets. But mostly, my head is a noisy place. I feel like I'm struggling for this calm too.

There was a time before Katrina, when Ana was so little I could actually try this, that I was searching for a church community. Being a New Orleans (and Hispanic) Catholic, I tried that first. I was actually becoming a regular at St. Matthias in Broadmoor. A Catholic Church that seemed more warm and inviting (with singing!) with its African American population. However, I've always been disdainful of how we Catholics sit in little pockets away from each other. How our rituals incorporated so little of each other (with the exception of the "sign of peace" during which folks -like fish out of water-seemed gasping for some interaction). But still, I struggle on a very basic level with so much of the Church's current teachings and views--women, abortion, safe sex, you name it...even if I could manage to forgive its questionable history.

I feel like I'm ready to start my search again. This book has really got me thinking about myself, this spiritual journey is so palatable, humorous, sarcastic, entertaining. I hope you'll pick it up...Even if you're just a lover of travel. You won't be disappointed.

Here's what I want. Is it too much to ask?

WANTED: Left-wing leaning faith community, belief in One God (but many paths Muhammed, Allah, Buddha, Yahweh) to God, not too sure about Jesus, believe in the divinity of each of us, and our own potential, belief that God is love, belief in service to others as service to God, looking for people who talk to each other...Any suggestions?

In the meantime, I've come back from vacation with the desire to be in the moment, to acknowledge my fears and anxieties, and then let them go, and to become more in control of my feelings of anger and seek a healthy way of releasing it. And besides being in control of my anxiety, fear, and anger, realizing that I'm not in control of anything else. I just want to let it all go. So I am continuing this journey. If you find me, let me know(-;