Another little one to join the clan

Well, I'm still reeling from our discovery a month ago that Kevin and I will be parents to another child.

Here's how it played out: shortly after realizing that I'd missed my period, I bought a test at the drugstore, and "administered it" while at work.

To be honest, I was relieved to see the single stripe that told me that my period must simply be late. I was not pregnant. Or so I thought.

I threw the stick into my purse.

Later that day, at a meeting with Elliot's therapy team, I found myself fishing for change in my purse at the coffee shop. Needless to say, I found a lot more than I was looking for. In the light-flooded cafe, the fainter second line was revealed. I met Kevin's eyes from across the shop, and he looked immediately panicked. I think he may have believed it was related to all the upcoming changes in Elliot's services. He shot me a puzzled, are you OK? look, to which I dismissed his concern. Frankly, I was grateful for the existence of that heavy wooden counter. It was holding me up from a fainting spell.

Unlike my first two pregnancies, I've been nervous with this one. There are some obvious reasons:

• When I was pregnant with Elliot, I contracted CMV, and passed it to him. I have a newfound fear of pregnancy. After having Ana, I took for granted that I would have a healthy child. I have struggled with some guilt at not having kept my Elliot safe inside me. And yes, I do know that there's nothing I could have done to change the course of things, but that fear and guilt exists nonetheless.
• We will consult with a perinatalogist because of this fact. My ob/gyn has recommended this. Having a professional outside of our family saying "high risk" and "pregnancy" in the same breath unlocks those fears. Although I should say that the risk of passing CMV comes only if the mother contracts this virus for the first time while she is pregnant. By pregnancy, most women have already had CMV before, and thus have the antibodies floating around to fight the illness should it raise its ugly head during pregnancy. I'm not afraid of CMV again. It's just the other million possibilities.
• We're struggling financially. It's no secret.
• I feel fairly stretched in terms of energy with our dynamic duo as it is.

Yikes.

What perfect timing to stumble upon an anniversary letter I wrote to Kevin shortly before Ana's birth. He was very anxious about being a dad, and worried that we would not be able to give the baby what she needed. In the letter, I assured him that he had the most important thing our baby would need: lots of love. So it's these words that I'm clinging to during these anxious first few very nauseating months.

And there is a new joy this time around. Ana is old enough to fully appreciate the enormity of this news, and to be excited by the new relationship she will have as a result. On Valentine's Day, we gave she and my mom copies of the ultrasound (at 7 wks) in a frame. Neither of them knew what they were looking at. Then, a knowing surprised look came across Tita's face, and we told Ana that "Mama has a baby in her tummy." She jumped up and down, speechless, with her tongue hanging out, for at least 2 minutes. It reminded me of her response to seeing El for the first time at the hospital: she jumped up and down, pulling at her own hair! For those of you who know Ana well, her being speechless is a rarity. She's got so many words to express herself. That's just how big this news was to her.

Since the big reveal, Ana has been very protective and clingy, which is much to be expected with some of the fears that come with this news. Will she still be the baby? Will we love the other baby more? I know that's what's behind her behaviors, so we have built in lots of special Mama-Ana time with hugs and kisses.

But when she's not in that mode, Ana is carefully monitoring what I eat, and asking if these things are good for the baby. She's fed the baby brocolli and crackers, and often offers something to the baby from her plate.

When I have a tummy ache, she's quick to offer a Preggie Pop to help with the nausea. She's been quite the caregiver. I truly enjoy watching how Ana nurtures people around her. It's quite a gift she has.

The other night, Ana spoke into my belly button as if it were a microphone.

"Hello baby. I'm going to tell you about the world. There are stumps. They are at the bottom of trees. And there are leaves on the branches. And then there's Coke. It's not good for you. Grown ups drink it sometimes. You can drink some when you're a grown up." I'm grateful she'll be in the baby's life to explain Mother Nature and Caffienated Drinks. Essentials of life in America.

Ana also brings our two pregnancy books to me often. She's amazed to learn that one week baby is a small olive, the next time, a strawberry. She loves looking at the pictures of the fetus developing, and of the the pregnant mom's body changing. She has lots of questions about this period. After we explained how the role of the umbilical cord, and how her daddy cut hers shortly after birth, Ana noted gratefully that "it would be terrible if grown ups were stuck to other people with these tubes." Side-splitting fun(-0;

She's told me she wants to see the baby come out. I've assured her that she can see the baby shortly after. Ana is a part of this pregnancy. In a big way. And I am happy to share the miracle of this with her, and the joy of this new addition with her. She keeps reinforcing to me, that we DO have what this baby needs: A whole lot of love. And that love will come from all of us.