I'm missing you today. I wanted to look at your death certificate today. For some reason, I had to see if "suicide" was listed as the cause of death. I don't know why. I've looked at it so many times. Have I seen that before? Mom wouldn't get it. She just said, "Why? It's depressing." And I asked her if it said that, and she said, "Yes, of course." And we just shared that look we share now--the look of "Why?"

Tina and Gigi wanted to come over...I made up lies cause I just couldn't. Maura and Cam dropped off dinner tonight. We were home, and by the time they left, I was so glad they'd come. I know I would've felt the same with Tina or Gigi...but can't commit to the plan. Better to surprise me with some love and support like an effin ninja, cause if I see you coming, I'm gonna duck and hide. What feels so hard about making plans? I'm glad, and somewhat surprised when people want to be around me (why would Kathryn and Katrina want me at the beach?)--I feel like such a killjoy.

I see that Holly nominated your eulogy for a Just Post. I just read it again. It hurts every time, but thinking of reading it to the people who came makes me feel good. I'm glad they got to hear so much that was good about you...the You that hid for so long. It is good to miss you too...I haven't really missed you for so many years. But I hurt for you. And I feel the ghost of you, in the pictures everywhere of someone I am Sure I used to Know and Love...but where are you? I love you. That sadness is my love for you.