Happiness

If I had to sum up my life over the last 5 years, the first word that would come up is OVERWHELMING. This is how I've felt for most of that time--juggling becoming a mom and a wife, managing my household with my husband not in it most of the times I'm there, learning how to do the best for Elliot, being pregnant or nursing most of that period, managing this wonderfully broke place, struggling financially, it's just been A LOT. Not much time for me to care about me.

And I've learned that I haven't learned how to manage my own chaos...I'm not very organized, and it's not a tool I've learned to use to say, learn how to put my kids to sleep in a less stressful manner. And I'm also stubborn, so I won't say, use a kid-leash to keep my wandering son tethered to me, because I just think they are offensive--but maybe that's just another example of how I don't know how to manage my own chaos. I use that "it is what it is" a little too much, and the result is me being a harried, exhausted mom, who gets resentful about how hard things are...

Standing outside of myself, and hearing myself has also exhausted me...I don't want to be this person.

As I think about Galito, I think of how the things I take for granted are the things that were so hard for him, that he never got to enjoy--
-simple domestic bliss (clean house, home-cooked meals, freshly cut grass)
-children's play (getting on the floor, playing a game, letting kids be themselves)
-a healthy, loving marriage (thoughtful gestures, flirting, silly banter)
-meaningful work (a sense of individual accomplishment, the joys of camaraderie with others)

I've been thinking about this a lot lately...and the other day, I just decided to be happy. That what I have might not be as easy to come by as it has for me, and that despite the challenges of the home, the kids, the husband, the job I'm so incredibly fortunate to have these, just as they are.

Well, thinking happiness and living it are still hard to push through in my overwhelmed state--and I still find myself over-reacting when stressed, of course. But I'm actively pursuing my own happiness now, today...not just for me, but for my brother...because all these "little things" I have, well, having them would have meant the world to him. I know he wants this for me. So I'm working on happiness. And thinking each day of all I have to be happy about, and trying to see the beauty in my chaos...I know it will get better.