What's on my mind?

Random thoughts from this week:

• Grief-o-meter set to NUMB.
• When I'm feeling NORMAL, I think, "Gee, I'm feeling kind of normal." I realize that this is not normal.
• I must talk to each of my parents at least one time each day.
• When I feel someone trying to pull me from my funk, either knowingly or not, I feel kind of angry. Even the neighbor who innocuously invite El into his workshop, I think, "Dammit, we can't just go see what's in your workshop...the walk, by itself, is the best I can do right now." We go into the workshop and I'm grateful for him helping pull me out of the cloud over me.
• Can't look at a bridge without thinking of her friend's mom who committed suicide this way a couple of years ago. We talked earlier this week about how traumatizing bridges have become. I wonder if garages will do the same for me.
• How do I get rid of my brother's handprints on the rafters in the garage? My parents haven't noticed, and I don't want them too, but they drive me crazy.
• Even though right now I'm inclined to think, "My life is inordinately hard, harder than most of the people I know," and pity myself a great deal, I'm hating being told I'm an inspiration or a hero, or any other fluffy term to euphemize(?) that "Gosh, your life is shitty, and watching you helps me realize that I'm kind of lucky." It's not a goal of mine to inspire you with my trials and tribs. I'm looking to have a happy life here. If I think too much about how hard all this is, I might just fall into a pile on the floor like Humpty Dumpty...please don't remind me.
• I think about relationships in terms of whom I will bury. If I'm lucky, I'll bury my parents. (I hate the thought of them having to bury me). My husband is older...and I'm sure I'll have to bury him. What does he want done with his body? I have so many friends. They make my life rich and warm. Will I have to tell them goodbye? What a terrible cost of love. I can't live any other way.
• I am overwhelmed. My life is hard. I want my husband home. I want to be a more present parent. I don't want to worry about money so much. I want for simple things that aren't things. I wish I had the capacity and presence to give back to so many who do thoughtful things. Can I manage some thank you notes?
• I don't want to talk to you, whomever you are. When I do talk to you, I feel strange like I'm outside of myself. If I enjoy talking to you, I think about it constantly afterwards, and feel guilty for laughing or chitchating or being the person I was two weeks ago.
• I want to hold and kiss and tell my children each moment I see them. I tell them how beautiful they are, how perfect they are. I seek to love them more perfectly. I'm grateful for this lesson.
• I have nightmares. They are gruesome and sometimes terrifying. They involve all sorts of people. I remember these nightmares the next day and replay these scenes along with Galito's final moments each day. In some ways I feel traumatized.
• I've forgotten so many things and so many plans.
• My summer plan was once--have a house full of kids coming and going and slipping and sliding and eating popsicles...now it's survive the summer, open the door if you feel like it.
• Do people know how much it means to show up at a funeral or do small things for a funeral service? It means a lot. Each sympathy card means a lot. Saying something to acknowledge something that has changed me forever means a lot. Thank you.
• I'm an only child now, and think about how alone I feel in the universe. I'm suddenly grateful for having 3 kids, so they have more than just one other person, just in case.
• Please God, don't ever take a child from me.