To Give and Recieve Love

I recently shared with a good friend of mine that I am slowly realizing the difficulty I have with enjoying the love I receive from others. This has heightened my awareness of my reactions and responses to love in all its forms around a season when love comes in a variety of forms from pastry bags or jewelry boxes or sweetly delivered cards or thoughtful comments.

When I think of my most recent history with love, my experience with Elliot and his diagnosis were a real turning point. Up until that point, I participated outwardly in my relationships with others but rarely did I open myself up in a vulnerable way that was true and honest, and relied on the other person keeping my heart as safe as I would. Is this typical Scorpio?

Elliot's diagnosis, and our sudden dependence on a support network of paraprofessionals and doctors, family, friends and each other opened my heart in a way that I didn't know was possible. I learned that being vulnerable and embracing my challenges and trusting others with my fears helped me to feel stronger. That I was able to borrow from their hope, and their faith in me to bolster myself for the next part of the path. Through them (you), and through the love and spirit of our son, I experienced a beauty and honesty that brought me great joy, and deep love. Kevin and I can hardly speak of the love that we've experienced these last few years without tears.

In general, motherhood has made me acutely aware of one thing: Someone loves me as much as I love these children. My mother feels this way about me. (It completely boggles my mind).

Somewhat naively, I've thought myself to be rather open to the love out there. However, a few weeks ago, a gift sent me on the next part of my journey.

When I unwrapped the beautiful portrait of Oliver, drawn from a photograph that Holly herself had taken, I was dumbfounded. There among the styrofoam peanuts, the most wonderful gift I had ever received. I was struck by the beauty and accuracy of the drawing, of the time it took to create such a gift, by the very idea that a friend would think of our family in this way. And as I shared this with everyone I saw that day, I continued to feel the surprise that I was that special to someone I feel is that special.

The gift made me reflective of a reoccuring internal struggle I feel. In my work, with the most appreciative and civically active parents on the planet, I find myself often on the receiving end of complements, mystery surprises on my desk, and even what could be classified as love notes. Almost all of these are kindnesses related to the school I direct. I think up until that gift, I've never really believed any of it. Partly because I know that of any place on earth, AH is the result of so many collaborators: parents, teachers, and yes, me. Founding parents who've gone, wait list parents who never were, substitute teachers with graph pads sketching a new layout for the place, you name it! I feel that I am a part of that. But it's certainly not because of me, and it's certainly not mine. (And PU-Leeze, do not argue this point with me via comments).

I'd simply let these kind words roll over me, smiling, thinking Just who do they think I am? In general, I'm pretty hard on myself...When I mentioned my discomfort to my Kevin, he said to me, those people are all pretty smart honey. I don't think you have them fooled. I think they see you for who you are. And yes, they love you.

Well, I couldn't debate that "those people" are all really smart. Why did this bother me, these gestures, this love? And after reading a recent comment about "what a good job your (I'm) doing"...not related to work, I think) and feeling my inner twitch, I realized that it's me, and my issue. I'm continuing to get in my own way. I don't know why that is. (I might need a professional with a couch). But I don't really care to dig. I just know that I don't want that voice anymore that tells me I'm not worthy of it.

I'm beginning the next part of my journey to a happier and healthier life by allowing myself to accept love, and let it enter my heart, and become a more open person. Each of you has so much to teach me... I believe that we are all teachers, and thankfully, I'm in a place and a time in my life when all the teachers are positive and inspiring and thoughtful. I know deep and abiding love and happiness are already around me, which, in and of itself is pretty astounding. I just need to open my eyes and heart, and put the cynic to sleep. I'm really ready to live my best life.