This week is tricky for me.
- Each morning, I start by reading the Times Picayune 8 part series on the murder of my former student, Lance Zarders. Details of his death, his parents' pain, and bits about his life and dreams mean soggy cereal. I'm still quite angry, but mostly just very very sad. Lance had so much to offer. How do his parents cope?
- Elliot turns three on Saturday. I'm terrible at my kids' birthdays. Each passing year makes me long to turn back the clock, and do it all again. But even harder this year, even more difficult with this birthday, is the fact that Elliot will age out of Early Steps...the program that has his therapists and support team in his school, or at home, and in constant dialogue about what he's doing, how he's growing, what he needs to continue. I have been dreading the day El would age out since we first began his therapies at age 6 months. Now, not only are the training wheels off for us, as parents, but what do we do now? How do we meet his needs and find program(s) that meet his needs, and ensure that what he's been doing is meeting his needs, and still give him a childhood that's not defined by a series of weekly appointments? The anxiety of What Now? had me crying in the arms of his preschool teachers today, as I wondered aloud what the best choice might be, if we could be the best choice. They couldn't have handled it any better: Just tell us what he needs, tell us what to do. We can do it. We want to do it. We love Elliot. Now how do I say goodbye to his therapists, who are honestly like angels to us, who have shaped our parenting, our dreams for our child, our belief in his potential, our hope... I don't know. I've needed them as much as he has.
- This week has begun my work to prepare my little school for life without me as I go have this baby, and spend his first months at home. This week, before Professional Development Week, I'm in hyper-OCD mode. Well, my work-related fears seem silly after all my Elliot fears, but the truth is I'm trying to address every possible scenario that I need to anticipate someone else handling. Yes, I have another 6 weeks. That's both comforting and scary. My work is like my third (soon fourth) child. A child I want to be sure thrives and grows in the next year.
- Stressed-out, physically weary, emotional mom + one sweet girl, anxious herself because of mom's changes, and upcoming baby + one defiant boy, whose (ploys for attention with new baby?) newest tricks all include doing the exact opposite of what stressed out mom says + doting husband whose always working when I'm not = short fuse.
- A back that goes out, a hip that's sometimes numb, a GI system that's frequently emitting acid into my mouth, a belly that keeps moving most of the day, and feet that are (egad!) beginning to swell like rosy mangoes...
Bright spot today: getting a hair cut (complete with the temple and head massage) that always makes me feel good. I definitely need to carve in ME time over the next weeks. I'm afraid of who I'll be if I don't.
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