Monkey Brain

If my friend describes Monkey Brain as having chatter streaming nonstop like ticker tape through one's mind, I have to wonder what to term my addled emotional state these days.

This week is tricky for me.

• Each morning, I start by reading the Times Picayune 8 part series on the murder of my former student, Lance Zarders. Details of his death, his parents' pain, and bits about his life and dreams mean soggy cereal. I'm still quite angry, but mostly just very very sad. Lance had so much to offer. How do his parents cope?
• Elliot turns three on Saturday. I'm terrible at my kids' birthdays. Each passing year makes me long to turn back the clock, and do it all again. But even harder this year, even more difficult with this birthday, is the fact that Elliot will age out of Early Steps...the program that has his therapists and support team in his school, or at home, and in constant dialogue about what he's doing, how he's growing, what he needs to continue. I have been dreading the day El would age out since we first began his therapies at age 6 months. Now, not only are the training wheels off for us, as parents, but what do we do now? How do we meet his needs and find program(s) that meet his needs, and ensure that what he's been doing is meeting his needs, and still give him a childhood that's not defined by a series of weekly appointments? The anxiety of What Now? had me crying in the arms of his preschool teachers today, as I wondered aloud what the best choice might be, if we could be the best choice. They couldn't have handled it any better: Just tell us what he needs, tell us what to do. We can do it. We want to do it. We love Elliot. Now how do I say goodbye to his therapists, who are honestly like angels to us, who have shaped our parenting, our dreams for our child, our belief in his potential, our hope... I don't know. I've needed them as much as he has.
• This week has begun my work to prepare my little school for life without me as I go have this baby, and spend his first months at home. This week, before Professional Development Week, I'm in hyper-OCD mode. Well, my work-related fears seem silly after all my Elliot fears, but the truth is I'm trying to address every possible scenario that I need to anticipate someone else handling. Yes, I have another 6 weeks. That's both comforting and scary. My work is like my third (soon fourth) child. A child I want to be sure thrives and grows in the next year.
• Stressed-out, physically weary, emotional mom + one sweet girl, anxious herself because of mom's changes, and upcoming baby + one defiant boy, whose (ploys for attention with new baby?) newest tricks all include doing the exact opposite of what stressed out mom says + doting husband whose always working when I'm not = short fuse.
• A back that goes out, a hip that's sometimes numb, a GI system that's frequently emitting acid into my mouth, a belly that keeps moving most of the day, and feet that are (egad!) beginning to swell like rosy mangoes...

Bright spot today: getting a hair cut (complete with the temple and head massage) that always makes me feel good. I definitely need to carve in ME time over the next weeks. I'm afraid of who I'll be if I don't.

More good news

Yay for sweet bebe, mama, and daddy!

What a beautiful sight indeed.

30 week update

We're down to our last 10 weeks!

Visits are every 2 weeks now, and still fairly standard: urine, weight, blood pressure, heartbeat, measuring of uterus.

Yesterday's visit:
Lost one pound--I still don't get it. I feel like I'm eating all the time, and am so physically uncomfortable. I love the look of the "ready-to-pop" pregnant lady, and that's just never been me. I want to be sure baby in there has what he needs. Hopefully, he's taking it all from me! The doctor thinks is great; it's not like I didn't have pounds to spare! Currently, I way 5 pounds less than I did on my first pre-natal visit. And nothing anyone says is of comfort. In fact, I hate hearing You don't even look pregnant. No, lady, I'm just fat. Does any pregnant woman appreciate comments about her appearance? Regardless of what it is? I would hate it if someone said, You look ready to pop. Just tell me I look great, and move on already.

(*Read previous post about being grumpy.)

Blood Pressure is 120/75. Pretty standard for me. I was waiting to hear, though, because lately I've had some very strange heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and chest tightening. I know that my body is pumping more blood, but it feels mighty scary to have that change when I'm sitting, inactively, typing. Again, the doctor is not worried, and it hasn't happened in the last week, so I'm grateful.

Baby's heart rate is 148 beats per minute...slowing down, as he gets bigger. I love that sound. It reminds me of a little girl skipping rope on the pavement. I'm glad that he's kicking so much, and we're not holding our breath at visits any more!

Measurement of uterus: 31.5 cm (an extra 1.5 cm, according to my due date). I'm always amazed by this week-to-cm correspondence, and it's never been off. Is my due date sooner? For me this just validates my feeling of enormity and discomfort. Yes, that baby is REALLY in there, and my stomach is on it's side, giving me heartburn with every snack, and my lungs are trying to figure out a way to still function.

And we now know when Weino will be here. His birthday is Thursday, September 18. I have a scheduled section at 7 am...9 weeks from now. I can't wait to meet the little guy.

Trip planning help?

Any ideas on a great weekend getaway...within an hour's drive, close to nature, quaint B&B?

It's Kevin's b-day Friday. Looking for a restful (and kid-friendly) getaway.

How 3 is different (so far)

• This isn't big news to most, having another baby. Not like others we know having their first baby. I understand it, and don't envy it...I'm excited, too, by how their lives will change. But honestly wonder on a regular basis, as I get closer, how different my care might be in the hospital. When people hear that I'm having my third, not first, it's either boring, or scary to them. Like we're just used to "popping out babies" that possess my body every other year or so. Will this all be old-hat to the nursing staff at Tuoro?
• We know who we are as parents. We're less anxious about how we'll respond to the challenges of parenting. I remember the feeling of having to have things just so with Ana, that these things (the birth plan and experience, an unyielding dedication to breastfeeding, my intense belief in attachment parenting, our perfect unisex layette) we're critical in my identity as a mom. And Kevin, he didn't know what to do with himself...that is, until he held that little baby for the first time. I know myself as a Mom now, even though I continually stumble through my children's changes and challenges in development. Trusting the love that's there has helped me believe in my own intuition. And Kevin, well, Kevin who's always struggled with what do I want to do with my life...anyone whose seen him with his kids knows that being a dad is his calling.
• We know who we are as a family. We're a well-defined unit. Of course, little Weino is going to change our family in wonderful ways we can't yet imagine, but he's coming into a clan!
• For our friends with kids, we've become a visual reminder to "snip the boys." We know of two couples who've advanced "the cause."
• "Baby shower" talk is out in the open with Tita (my mama). No elaborate plans crafted behind my back, or my feigning surprise. For this, I am TRULY grateful! And of course, there is the question of "should we even have a shower for you?" which I completely understand, seeing as how my family and friends must surely feel they've subsidized our parenting enough already.
• Being a stay-at-home mom seems like an option. I doubt I'll take it, but I honestly never considered it.
• I'm f-ing grumpy right about now for a margarita with salt, a salad with goat's cheese, and some sashimi. And while I imagine most moms-times-three relax the rules a bit, I'm still cautious, not wanting to take that healthy babe for granted. I have to say that I have been far less than gracious about the whole process.
• We want a mini-van. Just typing that actually scares me. I've always hated the sight of them. Now, I salivate watching them pull up to the center, with their automatic doors, and room for 6 comfortably. How in the hell are we going to transport our whole family with our current vehicles, I have no idea? But I am imagine WWIII breaking out with each trip to the grocery. And where in the hell will I actually put the groceries, with three kids to tote? These kinds of logistics are puzzling, and not made any easier by harried, snapping moms at the Wal-mart, pulling children on leashes, or calling after their disappearing children on the intercom. If you haven't started praying for us yet, please start. With something intense. Like a novena.

Lefty has come to the party!

It's been a family affair, for the last two years. Getting Elliot to incorporate the use of his left hand, often fisted and rigid, into fine and gross motor skills.

We've had a cast made for the right hand, to use in small spurts. Forced use of the left hand.

When he's had something in the right, we've put something in the left (equal input).

Ana has become his big teacher, although she often confuses the Right and Left hand, which can be quite humorous, as in, "Look, Mommy, Elliot turned on the water with LEFTY!" causing a stampede to the bathroom, only to reveal the right hand grasping the spigot.

I'm happy to report that, now, fairly consistently, Elliot uses his hand to attempt to uncap markers, to help him explore new objects, to open and close things...he's frequently sucking on it, fully aware that it's there. And most of the time, when he uses that hand, he looks around, knowing that the praise is coming.

Watching him grasp something tiny (or try to grasp and release over and over) usually makes us misty, and Ana squeezes him in intense excitement. He will watch his hand, like it is coming from outside himself. It all happens as in slow motion; everyone who's worked on this resists the urge to offer any comment or assistance. But we're held captive.

Because intense work with his right hand usually makes him tense on the left side, when he wants to do something bimanually, Elliot will slightly open his right hand (which relaxes his left). His OT has seen older children with hemiparesis do this; she wasn't aware they did this so young (gold stars on the chart for you, my prodigy!).

Pictures to come soon. Right now, I'm just enjoying watching my son's hard work bear fruit. 2 short weeks before he ages out of Early Intervention and turns 3. What surprises lie ahead on this journey! I'm so grateful to have Elliot to guide us, and love us.

Everyday Miracles

Congratulations, Erin and Charlie!

We're with you every step of the way!

Bah!

I'm grumpy, confused, tired, and uncomfortable.

I can't even lie well about how I'm doin these days.

That's why I LOVED this blog post so much today.

It's all up for grabs!

My days, these days, are a menagerie of these kinds of thoughts:

• What do I want to do with my life?
• Where in the world could we live and have adequate social services without working our fingers to the bone?
• Possible future homes: Italy, random farm house, Caribbean beach (Belize, should Kev have his way)
• Possible future jobs: Ebay sales, Early Steps Coordinator, school teacher, donation coordination for Honduran foundation, stay-at-home mama/homeschooler
• Possible pursuits in higher ed: MBA, MEd
• How can we simplify our lives--work less, have more time for each other, and have a good quality of life.

Does this have all the makings of several info-mercials?

Is it just that point in my pregnancy, or am I at a crossroads in my life, where I am full of questions about my life-how much I work, where we live, what my children deserve?

I am ill at ease. How can I shape my path to reflect how much my family, our path, mean to me?