Fear Factor

I wore myself a little thin yesterday, and last night, during post-coital cuddling, found myself experiencing what I could only describe as labor pains: intense cramping at regular intervals, disappating then dramatically knocking me out again.

After a midnight 'neath the bed search for Sears' Pregnancy Book, we resorted to an online search, and most of what was out there suggested pre-term labor, and calling the doctor with cramps lasting longer than an hour. So I did my best to drift off to sleep, but the physical pain, and the emotional fear of losing this baby kept me awake and frightened.

Somewhere in there I managed to sleep.

Later today, when on my way to a meeting, I felt another kind of wierd pain. This after my ob informed me to relax. That it was probably nothing. And that I could ask Dr. Maupin to check on my cervix at the 20wk ultrasound on Wednesday.

I walked to this meeting in near tears. How could I talk about other things? Things that are supposed to be important, but at this point felt meaningless compared to these odd signals implying my baby's health and well-being? A quick call to Kevin helped, then the relief that my friend (and a social worker) showed up first for the meeting. For whatever reason, anything I hold close and private, I share so easily with her. It was reasuring, and I found myself less anxious.

Later when the ob called back and I explained the second set of feelings (vaginal clenching?) she suggested I get off my feet, and try to relax for the next day or so, until Dr. Maupin could give me some diagnostic info. That with this 3rd pregnancy, the likelihood of pre-term labor is minimal. That I probably just wore myself out.

So I wait. I've been looking forward to this ultrasound to determine baby's sex, and it was so comforting for me to be able to anticipate what mom's of typical children expect to hear and see. I'd honestly left behind many of my What Ifs. But they are back now. What's happening to my body? Am I just that much more in tune and sensitive? A friend has told me: I've heard this can happen after sex. Does anyone have a source or experience?

And how do I do the ludicrous: Just relax. For me, in the face of so many possibilities, how can I?