Letting Go

I know that some pains define us so deeply that they feel impossible to extricate ourselves from. I've experienced this first hand.

I've also felt the joy of letting that pain go, and finding room in my heart for something I couldn't have expected.

That process takes much time, and love, and support. And I wish that for you.

I also wish for myself, for the increased ability to let go of expectation. This is one of the great lessons of my marriage to Kevin, who embraces letting go as a personal philosophy. No doubt one of the factors contributing to his light and seemingly carefree demeanor. He's so open, and takes each challenge as it comes. I'm amazed when I see Kevin laughing when things have gotten so frustrating that large veins are pulsing in my forehead. I long for that freedom from disappointment. And that's just what it is. It comes from having no expectations. From just seeing what happens.

In the relationships I've managed to remove expectation, I find that I am able to forgive, and protect myself from hurt. My brother and dad come to mind. My brother is mentally disturbed, with great anger and vitriol that can be unleashed without provocation. My dad has little interest in relationships. If it wasn't for my mom, he'd wither away in front of the TV. I know he loves us, but he seems incapable of participating in our lives.

At some point (maybe it's with the safety of my own family with Kevin) I've learned to not take their pains and struggles personally, and let them do what they have to do with no expectation for them to behave according to my theoretical definitions of Brother and Dad. Right now, I'm trying to do that with a Friend. and this Baby. I know it will allow me to enjoy whatever comes along in my life-journey. It's very hard to get to this point. And I know it will be a process I work through my whole life.