The Woes of Wet Wee Ones

I've never blogged about it, but potty-training my daughter, now 4, is the single most frustrating part of parenting her.

The whole situation is fairly classic: I can recognize our roles even within this situation--she wants control and independence. I'm so fixated on this milestone that it's an easy way for her to express defiance, anger, or the need for attention.

Most days, Ana has at least one accident. While at school, or home. Worse part for me: she doesn't tell anyone. It's the odor that gives her away. She feels ashamed, or lies about it. I either pretend not to notice (and fixate) or get on the soap box.

We threaten diapers. The two times that I've physically disciplined Ana were about potty-ing(both more symbolic than physically painful, but violations of her trust nonetheless, and causes of deep shame for me. This is just that frustrating for me).

She walks to the bathroom in a stupor in the middle of the night. This is how I know she knows how to detect the need to sit on the throne.

I've been doing a little online research lately. This one find had my reeling, and feeling like a total failure. Since I have the time right now, being off work, I've tried a new approach...actually training her with vigor. I had withheld attention about this all because of the obvious power struggle. But I decided to really collaborate with Ana, and let her know that I am trying to help her with this issue, because I know she wants to do better. SHe's been really great about it, and doesn't fight me (as much) when I send her to potty before we go anywhere, when we return, before/after transitions, etc. And in the last 4 days, she's had ZERO accidents! Yay, Ana! THat's great!

Now today she had one, and didn't tell me, and the whole exchange was typical of us: Me trying to help her remove clothes, her moving quickly away, humming or looking away while I change her clothes that I would soon discover is wet. But I felt I responded with more patience than previous: You had an accident? I can tell you feel disappointed. You've been doing so much better with that. You know, I'm proud of you for trying so hard. You're going to mess up sometimes but that doesn't take away all of your hard work. Let's get you in some clean clothes, and how about you tell me next time you slip up, ok?

You have no idea how hard this script is for me, but when I look in Ana's eyes, I can tell I'm doing the right thing.

It's obvious to me that Ana will grow to be a loving, and successful person. How can I keep myself from focusing on this developmental fumble? There are bound to be so many others, and other situations with graver consequences to battle with as we go. I need to conserve my energy on this. It's just been happening for TWO YEARS.