33 plus one week

Following the advice of a friend who bundles her doctor's visits around her birthday, I've started this practice this year. I'm typically really bad about seeing the doctor. This, after 2 children in 3 years and the requisite visits with the OB in that period. But everyone and thing else to exclusion. I really don't take care of myself. I would like that to change.

So far on the agenda...
-teeth cleaned (check)
-Annual gynecology (check)...waiting on pap results
-mammogram (tba)

It was in the gynecologist's office that I had the opportunity for some introspection. You know that check list about your health on the back of one of the many forms? As I read through the list of ailments, I suddenly felt quite old and worn out.

-Weight gain (check)
-Sleeplessness (check)
-Frequent diarrhea (check)
-Back trouble (check)
-Sore breasts (check)
-Depression.
-Depression.
-Depression.

It is here where I lingered. I know that there are underlying reasons that lead us to behave in ways that others might describe as idiosyncratic, like loving to eat. But I was forced to wonder, when the checkmarks align just so, is there something else there that could use some attention?

In the last weeks I've definitely considered sleeping pills. The sleepless nights, and the fear of having a sleepless night have left me feeling beyond tired. I just feel old. Older than I should at 33.

Friday night movie night was different. Kevin was running late...Mom didn't babysit. My brother, who has some mental illness that makes him occasionally intolerable, began acting out in front of my kids. Since he usually lives at my mom's, I scooped up my sobbing kids who LOVE sleeping at Tita's house, and brought THEM to the movies. Bee Movie, Elliot's first. We pigged out and went into sodium and sugar overdrive. The tears forgotten as we recounted the movie on the ride home. Tired. And wondering if movie night is cancelled from now on. My brother just likes to pretend that nothing ever happened. I hate that. I don't think Ana will allow it anyway. It was the first time I had to explain another adult's poor behavior to my child. I think she really wanted to read him the riot act. That scares me.

On Saturday morning, I went out for a brisk walk on the levee. Just the uphill climb to the bike path makes me feel better. But after a day of trying to get it together for the Heifer bazaar and dealing with work stuff, I was depleted by sunset. Feeling somewhat satisfied by the sales (yes, we can buy a cow if we want to), but disappointed by the turnout. And just tired and old.

I'm ready to make some changes. I think. Always easier said than done.

I left the depression box unchecked. But I did explain my feelings with the gyn. I don't want medication. I want a life in balance...equal parts depletion and exhileration.