The valley is low

My friend Holly's struggles with her three year old (Ana's big buddy) prompts me to write today...of course, I can't comment on her blog, so Holly please regard this as a response to your entry, and my own need to get some support.

Months ago I remember waxing on Ana's angelic behavior at a social gathering, and the feeling of pride at her mastery, after many months of social skills and manners and potty training--all galvanizing on this one night in particular. Ah...that seems like an eon away these days. But I knew it would.

Ana regresses intensely, and these periods throw us for a loop. Although this time, I'm worried that there is something deeper happening.

Ana has begun lying. Most of the time to keep from getting in trouble. Many times about her pottyaccidents. Which are many these days. Particularly when she doesn't nap. Which is everyday. She believes anything we say is negotiable, and is now effectively using the phrase, "Tell ya what..." She has intense fits when she doesn't get her way (which is often). She says hurtful things that I thought I'd have to wait until adolescence for. And here's what makes me think there's some deep-seated anxiety (although I think I've made a pretty good case so far): she now bites her fingernails, and picks at her toenails. She does this mostly at bed time. Which she can no longer face alone. Even if we can manage to get her to sleep in her bed, she ends up in ours. For months, she's been telling me about the "Dark Shadows" that chase her in her dreams, and try to grab and touch us (not in any place forbidden. Yes, I asked.)...all of us. I ask her some nights, when we are lying in the dark, "Is something bothering you? Is everything OK? Do you want to talk about anything?" She doesn't share anything that I think would cause such stress.

She's also strangely and beautifully devoted to me...her distracted and often disheveled mother. She tells me she's in love with me. She holds my face in her hands, and tells me she loves me "anywhere and everywhere, up to the moon eight and six times." My way of parenting, which is fairly strict, is usually effective with her...but unfortunately, I feel like my first few attempts at getting her to do something in a kind voice usually don't work. She doesn't listen anymore, until I get very strong with her. Still, she wants her mama so much...and her daddy, who asks for hugs and kisses and I love yous much more than I, she slightly shuns in a playful way. They play this strange cat-and-mouse...

To me, it's like she has no doubt that Daddy loves her, but needs to know on a regular basis, that I do. Yes, I know this is typical working-mom guilt. Somehow, despite all I do, am I communicating my love to my children, and giving them the best that I can. I'm not sure what's the cause here...I just feel I should put it all out there. Am I letting her know that she's OK? That's she's a good person?

Tonight, for the first time, I withheld a Toralora story. All other consequences for behavior seem to have no effect on her. And tonight, I couldn't muster the energy or creativity after a litany of disagreements based mostly on her not listening to anything I say. These stories are like the mortar in our foundation, and she railed against me for this. And now as I write this, I wonder if I betrayed her in some way. I made it clear to her: I love you. No matter how terrible you may act sometimes. Now until forever. But my story to you is a gift. And I can't give you a gift after today.

But the beauty of our story, it is where we explore the challenges of being a human being, and it opens up the dialogue about our day, and our own struggles. I don't know if I can do that again. But frankly, I don't know what to do.

Is her behavior typical? Should I consider getting her some help? Is this what regression looks like at this age, or is my child stressed out? SOS.